I hate him, i hate myself. He came round today.
Why? do i let him do this shit to me, i’m sick of him telling me how i love him and want a family with him. His convinced i want and feel the same way he do, when i really don’t. He asked me last night if i was pregnant yet. I said he has wait till the 19th to find out. Coz tests don’t work less then a week after sex. I hope the cramp i feel at the moment is coz i’m getting me period, and not anything else. Shit nearly forgot to wear this shit engagement ring, he will go nuts if i don’t wear it. I’m scared i don’t want sex with him at all, it hurts and it’s painful. Makes my feel dirty and horrible. I’m not making sounds during sex coz it’s nice, it’s coz it hurts me. I’m not taking the pill or anything. Part of me wants to please and have his kid, but the other part is so happy to see my period. It took mum five years to get pregnant with me, so i hope i won’t get pregnant soon. I let him have sex with me, but when i tell him to stop, he do for about 10 seconds then carry on. I don’t want sex today, have to.
New years, can’t be assed with it.
Great new year so fucking what, i don’t give a shit. I’ve still got that rapest, hanging around. I’ve tried to got rid of him but he keeps coming back. I give up sometimes, he is always saying how he love’s me and how i love him to that i want a family with him and so on, but i really dont. I don’t want a family or a kid i cant even look after myself, and he is a cheating twat and im scared that if i do get pregnant he will just fuck off. I’m scared to tell me mum or dad that i’m even seeing him, they would flip the fuck out after what he when i was 16. I have the morning after pill but scared to take it incase he finds out, he is bran washing me and making me think i want the same things as him when i don’t.
I really didn’t plan on being alive to see in 2012, i don’t want a new year with him. I don’t want a life at all really, all i do is mess it up and wish i was dead anyway. but hey……………. What else is new.
